In 2007, when we began our first adoption journey, we chose to get in the "regular" line. As has been established, I am a very slow learner. God takes extra time with me because He is patient and I am thick-headed and easily distracted. We were in the "regular" line because for some reason we didn't think we could raise a "special" child. Forget the fact that we already were raising a "special" child and loving her right where she was, I think I, in particular, was just bent on having a "perfect" child. That erroneous,(for me, not dissing the folks in the "non-special needs line)feeling lasted until my heart and arms began to ache and overtook the fear in my mind. That process took 2 years and 2 months. On Mother's Day, 2009, we sent our application to GWCA to be put on the Waiting Child list. We were matched with Maisy in August of that year. PRAISE GOD!!!!! I have never, not for one nano-second, regretted the decision to adopt from the Waiting Child list. Maisy is a blessing a million times over. In all honesty, though, I would not have looked at her file if she had had Patrick's diagnosis. My mind could not go to that place. I had said, over and over, through the process that I could not even consider adopting a "heart baby." But God, oh My Friends, but God!
I knew when we left China with Maisy that we would return. I knew we would adopt from the Waiting Child list. I knew we would adopt a little girl. No boys. Ever. No older children. Ever. And absolutely, positively, no "heart babies". Ever.
In September, 2011, when I first saw Moxie's face. I knew she was mine. KNEW IT!!! It didn't take any convincing to get Ben on board. He's good like that. We had pre-approval 3 days after submitting our LOI. Our home study was filed in February. I kept checking GWCA's agency specific list. And then, God, God changed my heart in the face of a round-faced cherub in an orange tee-shirt. A boy. An older child. Severe CHD. I couldn't stop looking at him. I prayed for him. Oh, how God broke my heart for that little boy. I was still too afraid. Absolutely consumed by fear, of a lot of things, not just the diagnosis.
I'm pretty sure, at that point, God had enough. We got his file. We loved him. We committed. We got our hearts broken. You can read all about it in the post entitled, "I'm sure there is a reason, but I don't know what it is". We brought Moxie home and that little boy stayed in China.
Satan thought he had won. I grieved. Ben grieved. It affected our marriage. It affected my walk with the Lord. I remember standing in the shower, crying, asking God, "Did I hear you wrong?" "I said I would go. I said I would love him." "Why, didn't you give him to me?" And then, the day after Thanksgiving, that was God's perfect timing. That day, he gave me another chance to take his gift immediately. It was a second chance to trust Him in the face of financial inadequacy, shortages of time, mental clarity and some seriously raw emotions. And incredible fear of that little boy's diagnosis. But, as I write this today, I can tell you, because I know from personal experience, God's word does not return void!!! I did hear Him correctly. But His timing is not my timing. His ways are higher than my ways. I exist to glorify HIM. He does not exist to glorify me. This time, when obedience was immediate, oh how the floodgates of blessings opened up.
I know that the dark that came between the social worker's refusal to approve us for a second child and the LOI being submitted for Patrick in December was important to my spiritual growth. I know that Satan worked hard to beat me down while we were in China. I know that God had me covered the entire time and when he finally moved his hand and closed it over me, saying "That is ENOUGH", Satan could do no more. I know that even while I was despairing, He was working all things for my good and for the good of my son. He will continue to do so.
I was talking to my neighbor a couple of days ago, telling her that our LSC had arrived. Wanda is a Prayer Warrior. I had gone to church with her before our first attempt to adopt Patrick failed. Members of her church had prayed over me. Prayed for Patrick and for Moxie. Spoken in tongues and assured me that God would bring my children home. When that didn't happen in my time, I was angry. I confessed that anger to Wanda. I apologized. And then, that sweet lady blessed me immeasurably. She said, "Yes, I knew he was coming home. I bought him a gift. I was going to bring it over to you and ask when Patrick Judah was coming home, but the Holy Spirit stopped me." I asked her, "But why?" She replied, "Oh Amy, it was months ago. The Holy Spirit told me you didn't know yet that your son was coming home." But God, Friends, But God.
So the woman who was never going to adopt a boy, or an older child, and definitely not a "heart baby" is about to do all of those things. Because, His ways are higher than my ways and because He knows what I want and need long before I do. He knows the desires of my heart and the desires of that sweet, darlin' boy in Shenzhen. I am still concerned about my son's diagnosis. I am still amazed that I'm going to be a "heart mama". But more than that, I amazed by My God, who has and does bless me "exceeding abundantly" more than I can ask or imagine!! To Him be all the Glory! Forever and Ever. Amen.