I knew it would happen. I knew the time would come when I would wake up in a cold sweat wondering what in the world I think I'm doing. Why would we choose to adopt again so soon after bringing Moxie home. Where is the money to fund another adoption going to come from. What must other people think. Am I as crazy as some have said I am. And then, once the room stopped spinning and the consuming fear ebbed away, I answered my own question---because God has made the way. He has told us to bring Patrick home. He did not create in me a spirit of fear. I am a conquerer in Him.
It is funny to think of myself as a conquerer, unless conquerers are typically short, curvy, middle-aged women with frequent bad hair days. If that is the profile, I'm totally IT!! But really, I cannot think of a single reason why God would use me. I'm certain that He has, but only because He chooses to use the insignificant, the broken, the unlovely and the weak. I have been blessed beyond measure by His Grace and Patience for me. And still, frequently, I find myself wondering, full of doubt and fear, about things over which I have no control. I imagine myself in Peter's place, walking on the waves one moment and gasping for air the next as my head goes under the water--with my hands above, clawing the air for the Master's hand. Many times, I have prayed, "Jesus, if ever I've needed you to hold my hand, now is the time. Please, don't leave me. I need you. I need you." Every time he has been there.
My fear has kept me from concentrating as of late. I know who is responsible for that. I know that he would like nothing more than for me to say, "Oh man, World, you are right. It isn't fair to Maisy or Moxie that I bring Patrick home. It is ridiculous to go into massive debt to bring this child home. I've done my part. I'd sure be better off not sitting in lawn chairs around my dining table." But, here's the thing. As faulty as my flesh is, and as weak as my faith sometimes turns, I just can't turn around. You see, I've bought into God's plan so much, so wholeheartedly, I can't see my way from where I am now. It's not that I can see where I'm going. I'm pretty much taking this one moment at a time. It's not that I'm not afraid, sometimes. I am. But, I must keep following Jesus's plan because I gave mine up. I'm plan-less. The only sure thing, the only solid, light-giving, soul-lightening way I can see, one step at a time, is God's way. And God's way is leading me to China. To Patrick. To heart surgery. To massive risk. To love. To family. To eternity.
So, as I contemplate the fact that our fundraising is faltering, and the world is a flighty bird with a really short attention span, and I am not the woman I was yesterday or the woman I will be tomorrow, I remind myself---God put me on this path. He'll take me every step of the way.
Our home study is about finished. We've submitted every required document. The lifestyle pictures have been completed. They look slightly goofy. I guess that's reality for ya. And, this year, somehow, we will bring home our son. Thank you, Jesus, for holding my hand and leading me on this journey. I love you more than anything this world has to offer.
Please pray for our Patrick, that his heart would be strong, that he would be shown favor by those in authority and that words of love would be spoken to him until I can hold him in my arms.