What Do I Want?

I cannot believe I'll be leaving for China in THREE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! My stomach is doing flip-flops and at times I feel as though I cannot breathe. Have I mentioned I'm terrified of flying? Oh, yes! TERR-I-FIIIIIIIIIIIED!! I've flown into and out of thirteen different airports. Once, I took two Tylenol PM when the flight began. Ordinarily, those little suckers KNOCK ME OUT. Not.so.much when I'm in flight. When we landed, after not even blinking while on the plane, I laid down in the airport and fell asleep. Ben had to practically drag me down the concourse. I keep imagining various and sundry disasters occurring. I have a vivid imagination. I searched "fear of flying" on the web, read a good article written by a flight attendant and then resolved to NEVER trust another flight attendant. What was helpful about recommending airdisasters.com????

I have moments of ease, too. Moments where I am not freaked totally out. Those come out of that place in my soul that KNOWS who holds my life, and that airplane, in His hand. He is the one that has orchestrated this entire adoption, brought new friends into my life and given me a beautiful little boy to bring home and love. Jesus did not give me a spirit of fear. Please pray for me as I embark on this trip. I have always told my children that when things get crazy, Jesus expects us--His people--to be the standard in the storm, the place where others can look to find comfort and guidance. Pray for me that I may bring comfort and guidance to those who do not know my Jesus.

Even as I typed that paragraph above, part of me whispered, "Don't write it. You don't really WANT to have to be the standard in chaos because that will mean that---duh--you are involved in something chaotic." Friends, that's just plain stupid. For starters, writing it does not make it so. Look at L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology if you need an example. Secondly, how can I presume to be able to force God's hand. I don't have my finger on the Lord's action button. If I did, there would be a lot of just plain old weird things in this world and you would have me to thank for them. What it comes down to is this, "What do I want?" Do I want to follow the Lord and seek His will at all costs??? If I answer that with complete honesty I can say, "Yes, sometimes." Because, the truth is, I have some pretty major things going on in my life and I'm pretty set on how I want them to end up. I'm not a "whatever happens, happens" kind of girl. So, when I'm praying for my eldest child and I say, "Break his heart, Lord. Turn him around and create in him the undeniable, gut-wrenching need for you that leads him to rely on your holiness and faithfulness and bring him back into our family as an active participant", am I cringing just a little because I'm afraid of the actions the Lord may take in order to give me the desire of my heart. Again, in all honesty, the answer to that question is, "Yes, and I'm sorry, Lord." I think this flawed thinking comes from my human inclination to control and manipulate and deceive (myself, mostly) and in forgetting (or choosing to ignore) the fact that God is not like me. I am created in His image. He is the Master. I'm just the clay. So to think that the clay can determine, by its composition or pliability the creation of the Master's hands is ignorant and egotistical. I know I'm in good company consider: Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David....You get the picture. God was in control without those men "helping him out or believing that they could, in any way, control God's hand. Submission does not require fear. It does require trust and faith and love for God who wants only the best for me and for my children. So the question, then, is really do I trust and love and faith in the God who has brought me to this place. The answer is, "Yes." With fear and trepidation, sometimes, with tiny baby steps, often, and always with a praying heart---I trust Jesus.

I was going to write, in this blog entry, about my inability to pray for God's will for Patrick's physical heart. Two recently adopted children have gone to be with the Lord this week. I cannot imagine the grief their parents feel. My mind refuses to think about the possibility that Patrick will not survive his childhood. My heart goes to that scary place frequently, though. I was going to blog about my inability to accept that God may allow my son to die. As though, not praying for God's will would somehow protect my son. But, Dear Friends, My God, the one who has known Patrick from the time he was knit together in his birth-mother's womb and my heart, has had a purpose for my tiny boy. He, the God of Heaven and Earth, wants only good things for me and for my sons. Why then, would I be afraid to trust Him in asking for His will in Patrick's life. God knows my heart. I thank Him for that. He wants to give me the desires of my heart in accordance with His will in Christ Jesus. So, what do I want? I want to trust Him more. I want to raise my children to follow Him and love Him and be willing to give-up everything to follow Him. Jesus has already paid the price for my life, for Patrick's life and for your life, too. My Lord has proven Himself to me time and time again. He has paid the ransom for my sons. Help me, Lord Jesus, to trust you more.

Please pray for me as I journey to bring Patrick home. Please pray for my little girls who are already anxious about their mama leaving (even though their fun daddy is staying at home with them) and please pray for God's healing hand on Patrick's heart. He is able.

May the Peace that Passes Understanding be Yours in Christ Jesus,
Amy

Oh, I won't be taking a computer to China, so this is probably my last blog entry until Patrick and I get back.