Before the collective gasp sucks all of the oxygen out of the room and the intervention planning begins, allow me to explain!! I'm not denying my salvation, I'm stating a fact. Jesus is not my co-pilot because I am not the pilot. You see, nobody in their right minds would let me pilot anything. Not even a riding lawnmower. I get lost in parking lots, malls, (which I visit only when absolutely necessary), hotels, big rooms, hallways with more than one door, thought....You get my drift. So to think that I needed Jesus only as "back-up" is beyond ridiculous. Jesus is my "pilot", my leader, my Savior, my dearest Friend, My All in All. He isn't "Co" anything. He's everything.
So, it's a good thing that Jesus is the leader considering I'll be going to China on my own. It is a scary prospect to be perfectly honest. I'm not into singularity. A very dear friend, who shall remain nameless (Dee), said, "Amy, how are you going to go to China alone when you cannot even find Edmond. Sad. It's probably true. I'm sure I only live a very, very short distance from the demarcation between OKC and Edmond. I also believe I could get to Edmond on my own. I'm just walking North, Folks, I do know that much. But, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you once I got there..... Am I there yet? How 'bout now???
Like I've said before, I can't see "my way" from here. It's all about Jesus!!!
The home study is completed, approved and will be mailed to USCIS very, very, soon. I cannot believe that soon and very soon I will be able to hold Sweet Patrick in my arms and tell him how precious, how fearfully and wonderfully made he is. I do not know why Patrick had to wait so long for a family. I do know that we ARE his family. God has made that infinitely clear, because this entire adoption process is a miracle from the beginning. I do believe that God has been stretching, testing, and molding me into the mother that Patrick needs. I was not that mother when I gave birth to my first child. I wasn't that mother when I gave birth to my second child. Although, the trials that came with her delivery and her need for me to be an advocate gave me abilities that God is using now as I prepare to advocate for Patrick and care for his special little heart. I was not the mother that Patrick needed at the time of our first adoption. But that process taught me patience and certainty and perseverance and the absolute worth of fasting to become closer to God. While I wanted to be the mother that Patrick needed when we brought our last child home from China, I simply wasn't. But, looking back, I have learned the best lesson so far. I have learned that Miracles do happen. That no child is outside the heart of God. That when my heart is broken, His is too. That He loves me so much, He will make a way where there was none. I have learned trust. Thank You, Jesus. No, I am still not refined. Still not the ideal mother. But, I'm running the race and I know He goes before me. And, when the race ends, He will be at the finish line.
Yes, there are still fundraising issues and waiting for deadlines or avoiding deadlines or discovering deadlines and then more waiting.....But, I have Peace. That Glorious Peace that Passes Understanding. I may not be able to find Edmond, but I can find Jesus. He's holding my hand and leading the way.
Please remember my darlin' Patrick in your prayers. Also, please continue to pray for my dear friend Mary Sammons and her Precious Ivy Joy as they spend time in Boston for Ivy's heart.
All Praise and Glory to Him,
Amy
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Can't see "my way" from Here
I knew it would happen. I knew the time would come when I would wake up in a cold sweat wondering what in the world I think I'm doing. Why would we choose to adopt again so soon after bringing Moxie home. Where is the money to fund another adoption going to come from. What must other people think. Am I as crazy as some have said I am. And then, once the room stopped spinning and the consuming fear ebbed away, I answered my own question---because God has made the way. He has told us to bring Patrick home. He did not create in me a spirit of fear. I am a conquerer in Him.
It is funny to think of myself as a conquerer, unless conquerers are typically short, curvy, middle-aged women with frequent bad hair days. If that is the profile, I'm totally IT!! But really, I cannot think of a single reason why God would use me. I'm certain that He has, but only because He chooses to use the insignificant, the broken, the unlovely and the weak. I have been blessed beyond measure by His Grace and Patience for me. And still, frequently, I find myself wondering, full of doubt and fear, about things over which I have no control. I imagine myself in Peter's place, walking on the waves one moment and gasping for air the next as my head goes under the water--with my hands above, clawing the air for the Master's hand. Many times, I have prayed, "Jesus, if ever I've needed you to hold my hand, now is the time. Please, don't leave me. I need you. I need you." Every time he has been there.
My fear has kept me from concentrating as of late. I know who is responsible for that. I know that he would like nothing more than for me to say, "Oh man, World, you are right. It isn't fair to Maisy or Moxie that I bring Patrick home. It is ridiculous to go into massive debt to bring this child home. I've done my part. I'd sure be better off not sitting in lawn chairs around my dining table." But, here's the thing. As faulty as my flesh is, and as weak as my faith sometimes turns, I just can't turn around. You see, I've bought into God's plan so much, so wholeheartedly, I can't see my way from where I am now. It's not that I can see where I'm going. I'm pretty much taking this one moment at a time. It's not that I'm not afraid, sometimes. I am. But, I must keep following Jesus's plan because I gave mine up. I'm plan-less. The only sure thing, the only solid, light-giving, soul-lightening way I can see, one step at a time, is God's way. And God's way is leading me to China. To Patrick. To heart surgery. To massive risk. To love. To family. To eternity.
So, as I contemplate the fact that our fundraising is faltering, and the world is a flighty bird with a really short attention span, and I am not the woman I was yesterday or the woman I will be tomorrow, I remind myself---God put me on this path. He'll take me every step of the way.
Our home study is about finished. We've submitted every required document. The lifestyle pictures have been completed. They look slightly goofy. I guess that's reality for ya. And, this year, somehow, we will bring home our son. Thank you, Jesus, for holding my hand and leading me on this journey. I love you more than anything this world has to offer.
Please pray for our Patrick, that his heart would be strong, that he would be shown favor by those in authority and that words of love would be spoken to him until I can hold him in my arms.
In Jesus,
Amy
It is funny to think of myself as a conquerer, unless conquerers are typically short, curvy, middle-aged women with frequent bad hair days. If that is the profile, I'm totally IT!! But really, I cannot think of a single reason why God would use me. I'm certain that He has, but only because He chooses to use the insignificant, the broken, the unlovely and the weak. I have been blessed beyond measure by His Grace and Patience for me. And still, frequently, I find myself wondering, full of doubt and fear, about things over which I have no control. I imagine myself in Peter's place, walking on the waves one moment and gasping for air the next as my head goes under the water--with my hands above, clawing the air for the Master's hand. Many times, I have prayed, "Jesus, if ever I've needed you to hold my hand, now is the time. Please, don't leave me. I need you. I need you." Every time he has been there.
My fear has kept me from concentrating as of late. I know who is responsible for that. I know that he would like nothing more than for me to say, "Oh man, World, you are right. It isn't fair to Maisy or Moxie that I bring Patrick home. It is ridiculous to go into massive debt to bring this child home. I've done my part. I'd sure be better off not sitting in lawn chairs around my dining table." But, here's the thing. As faulty as my flesh is, and as weak as my faith sometimes turns, I just can't turn around. You see, I've bought into God's plan so much, so wholeheartedly, I can't see my way from where I am now. It's not that I can see where I'm going. I'm pretty much taking this one moment at a time. It's not that I'm not afraid, sometimes. I am. But, I must keep following Jesus's plan because I gave mine up. I'm plan-less. The only sure thing, the only solid, light-giving, soul-lightening way I can see, one step at a time, is God's way. And God's way is leading me to China. To Patrick. To heart surgery. To massive risk. To love. To family. To eternity.
So, as I contemplate the fact that our fundraising is faltering, and the world is a flighty bird with a really short attention span, and I am not the woman I was yesterday or the woman I will be tomorrow, I remind myself---God put me on this path. He'll take me every step of the way.
Our home study is about finished. We've submitted every required document. The lifestyle pictures have been completed. They look slightly goofy. I guess that's reality for ya. And, this year, somehow, we will bring home our son. Thank you, Jesus, for holding my hand and leading me on this journey. I love you more than anything this world has to offer.
Please pray for our Patrick, that his heart would be strong, that he would be shown favor by those in authority and that words of love would be spoken to him until I can hold him in my arms.
In Jesus,
Amy
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